


“One More Sad Statistic Now”

by PlayerOneMell



Category: Be More Chill
Genre: Angst, Angst City, BE MORE ANGST, Blood, Depression, M/M, Post: SQUIP, Sad, Self Harm, Song fic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Suicide, THIS IS SO NOT FLUFF IM WARNING YOU, based off of ‘All Grown Up’ from Bare: the musical, bathroom Scene (mentioned), boyf riends - Freeform, protect Michael Mell - Freeform, really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:37:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: Michael sees the darkness swirl in his vision, but also the light. It’s game over. Will his player two be able to live on alone? Michael’s sure he could. Jeremy did fine without him in the beginning of junior year - he can do it for the rest of his life.Michael lips quiver as his body gives a small twitch. He’s struggle for oxygen. Hanging onto every last breath. He himself starts to panic. What’s the last thing he said to Jeremy?(Song lyrics in italics)





	“One More Sad Statistic Now”

DMichael felt so many thoughts swirl around and kill the happiness inside of him. It’s so hard to contain. He fakes the smile when he sees Jeremy every morning. Everyday at school. 

 

_ Can’t believe you missed rehearsal again, you know it isn’t all about you. It affects the rest of us, what you do.  _

 

Michael has a hard time going to rehearsals sometimes because his anxiety gets the best of him. It’s so overwhelming he doesn’t move for days. Wait - is that depression? He’s not sure. Michael doesn’t want to be depressed and doesn’t think of it that way. 

 

_ Look, what is wrong with you? _

 

Michael isn’t sure. Isn’t that why his mind is spiraling so quickly? Something feels wrong and something feels off. He knows that something shaking, is making his stomach vibrate, rib cage rattle, brain ache, heart break. What is it? It can’t be Jeremy. Jeremy’s always been there. Well, now he’s always been there. He wouldn’t leave again. Or would he?

 

_ I’m sick of you moping around  _

 

Michael can’t help it, can he? He’s has had such a struggle recovering from the incident that had to do with that unwanted floppy disk. Who invited that dumb Quantum computer anyways? That bathroom was so cold and unloving. That’s why Michael tries to avoid bathrooms as much as his can. His bladder has needs. That’s not why he is in the bathroom he is in now. 

 

_ When I close my eyes I’m there _

 

Michael can still picture the tiles that make up the bathroom tiles of Jake’s bathroom floor. The words that Jeremy slurred through his lips. Michael just wanted to help Jeremy. Save him. Was that so wrong of him? Michael opens his eyes and looks around the bathroom in the basement of his house that’s connected to his room. He looks around. He’s been in here so many times since the incident. It’s been over a year. His own bathroom and he can still remember how badly he wanted to end it on Halloween. Michael resorted to self harm. Now, he’s going a step further. 

 

_ Memories that fade and flicker  _

 

The first time he hurt was when he was burning incense in his boxers. He was done with Jeremy because Jeremy was done with him. It was so much for him to handle. Is he going to lose Jeremy? Michael’s not sure. He’s pretty sure he’s already lost himself. That’s the only thing he’s really lost. He can’t listen to Bob Marley. He can’t sue finger guns. His puns only fail these days. 

 

_ Burn again, when I pretend  _

 

Of course, Michael thinks about the entire night in the bathroom. Escaping the fire. Would being burned like Rich be as painful as the burn Michael feels rush through him when he lays the butterfly knife on his skin. Michael looks over at the note on his bed. Written on it? Jeremy’s name. Jeremy’s the only one who mattered. Then… why did he lie? 

 

_ Did you sleep with her?  _

 

It wouldn’t have mattered to Michael if Jeremy did or didn’t sleep with Chloe at that Halloween party. It doesn’t matter now. It got Jeremy in the bathroom. Now, Michael’s sure he doesn’t want Jeremy in this one. Not because Jeremy would hurt him, but because Jeremy would try to save him. Jeremy would try and help. Michael has made up his mind. 

 

_ Life is short, and life is strange _

 

Michael knows this is the right decision. He won’t have to make anyone else worry anymore. Jeremy won’t give him the worried looks when he finds the new scars on his arms. He won’t have to get the pitied looks from Christine when she notices the bags under his eyes. Michael won’t have to worry about gaining money to pay back Rich for all their bets. He doesn’t have to work at 7-11 just so he can pay Dustin for weed. He doesn’t have to worry about anything. The missing assignments that are causing him to fail school. The disappointed looks he gets from his parents when he gets a detention when he’s late for school. Michael’s always late for school. Not anymore. He wouldn’t be going to school ever again. Not after this.

 

_ Troubled now and troubled past  _

 

Everything he does, Michael can feel the ghost from his past follow him. Jeremy screaming from his nightmares. Michael wondering around too anxious to really talk to any of Jeremy’s ‘new’ friends alone. What if they saw the one thing Michael tries to hide under the red hoodie and so many bracelets. The scars. The blood. All his insecurities and fears under one sheet of fabric. He doesn’t want anyone to know how scared he is. That’s why he’s all alone right now. 

 

_ Times have changed _

 

If everything was the same? Jeremy would be in Michael’s bed, drinking soda and eating pizza. Staying up all night. Michael feels the guilt rise in his already twisted stomach. Why couldn’t he have done better? He should’ve been able to convince Jeremy he didn’t need a super Quantum until intel processor. A SQUIP. Guys like us are cool in college? Michael knows he could’ve done so much better than that. This has to be all his fault. 

 

_ Feel it how it grows inside me, swirling ball of anguished cries _

 

He lets his thoughts get the best of him. He looks at the pills scattered across the rim of the sink. It’s his own sleeping pills and anxiety meds. Michael’s doing everything he can to make this successful. The butterfly knife in his hand and the pills in his hand. A glass of water. Could he really do this? He feels tears trap the oxygen that was flowing through him. It’s now or never. 

 

_ Haunted, daunted _

 

_ So unwanted  _

 

Michael’s only ever really felt anything around Jeremy. Even that’s been fading lately. Canceling dates for parties. Jeremy knows Michael won’t go. Why won’t his boyfriend hang out with him? 

 

_ Dream a dream, then dash another. Life is there to interrupt  _

 

Michael swallows the pills. He’s tried to be strong, brave, and caring. However, no one tried to care for him. Everyone assumed Michael was fine. Michael wasn’t fine. Michael isn’t fine. He feels like he’s lost everything. None of his dreams will come true. He will die alone. He’s just making it happen faster. He grabs the butterfly knife. 

 

_ Look at me, all grown up _

 

It’s the only answer that Michael has now. It’s too late now. The pills travel down his esophagus and now reside in the pit of his tightening stomach. It’s almost as if Michael can feel the oxygen draining out of him. He doesn’t have any energy is. Michael can’t even feel anything except the hairs standing up on the back of his neck telling him to throw up and save himself before it’s too late. Michael knows there’s no point. It’s his time. 

 

_ And now, of course, it comes to this _

 

Michael sits down as he feels his head go light but heavy all at once. It’s a lot for him to handle. He can already feel the stress growing in his heart as the veins in his left arm are starting to stick out. Blue. Like the SQUIP blue. Michael twirls the knife between his fingers a few times before cutting into the blue lines that were sticking out. Blood spurting out like a fountain. 

 

_ Face the music and take a bow _

 

There’s no going back now. Michael’s done what he’s done. His world is already slowly fading away as his heart beat slows. The blood pooling on the bathroom floor that he’s sitting on. Cool tiles. Just like Jake’s bathroom. Just like the memory. Heart broken. Heart slowing. Eyelids flutter as crystal orbs stream down Michael’s face. Some of the tears, that are flowing like a streaming river, stay stuck to Michael’s long eyelashes. They press against his glasses frames and they begin to fog. Michael feels his chest tighten as he goes into a state of shock. It’s all over. His body is decomposing. Michael sees the darkness swirl in his vision, but also the light. It’s game over. Will his player two be able to live on alone? Michael’s sure he could. Jeremy did fine without him in the beginning of junior year - he can do it for the rest of his life.

 

_ One more sad statistic now  _

 

Michael lips quiver as his body gives a small twitch. He’s struggle for oxygen. Hanging onto every last breath. He himself starts to panic. What’s the last thing he said to Jeremy? Had he told Jeremy he loved him? Michael’s sure he did. It’s too late now. He can’t call. He can’t text. He can’t see and can’t even remember where he put his phone. Michael is done. 

 

_ Life is there to interrupt  _

 

Michael can feel all the pain he has ever felt in his entire life time. It’s ending. It’s the end of the road. There’s footsteps. He can hear them. Above him. Someone was home. Michael takes his last breath. He’s dead. 

 

_ Stories end in total damage  _

 

Jeremy is looking around the empty Mell house, and immediately assumes the worst. He heard Michael panicking. Then silence. It’s the longest silence of Jeremy’s life as he rushes into the basement. He reaches Michael’s room. He sees the note. Jeremy’s breath picks up. 

 

_ 17 how will I manage?  _

 

He turns to Michael’s bathroom to see the state of his best friend, and boyfriend. The boy he had grown up with. Dead. On the bathroom floor. Jeremy sees the puddle of blood and the glass of water. He’s too late. Jeremy rushes to Michael’s side and checks for a pulse. Nothing. Jeremy’s heart broken. 

 

_ How can I? _

 

Jeremy presses a kiss to Michael’s forehead, cheeks, nose, and lips. Jeremy loves the boy still. He always will. Jeremy feels everything in him just drain out slowly. It almost flows as fast as Michael’s blood. Jeremy is left with nothing. Cause when someone commits suicide? They kill everyone else around them. That’s exaclty what Michael did. 

**Author's Note:**

> Super angsty, sorry. I was feeling really angsty. Hope you guys enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought! 
> 
> In other words, suicide and depression is a serious problem. If you’re experiencing these things PLEASE reach out to someone for help. No one should feel that one.
> 
> Another note? If none of you have listened to this song, the plot of the fic and song are different. The lyrics I used applied to Michael’s situation. The song is about a girl who unexpectedly got pregnant. It’s a good tune. Listen to it.
> 
> All of you are important. Thanks for reading! See you next post!


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